They say journaling is a way to help one understand one's thoughts and emotions. But how do I do this if I don't even know or want to put down what I want to say in words, perhaps due to the fact that I don't even want to see it in writing?

Life can seem so rosy at once and so hard the next. But I suppose the truly scary thing is perhaps admitting to the fact that I'll never really feel like I fit in anywhere. All my life, I just want a peaceful life. You treat me good, I'll treat you good. Listen to my views, share my burdens and protect each other. But why do I feel alone most of the time? Unheard, ignored, repeatedly getting my boundaries crossed. At home, at work. Everywhere. Nowhere is peaceful. 

I'm tired. Sometimes, I wonder, will the world be better off without me? But of course, this is a narcissist thinking. Of course little old me, can't affect the world. The world doesn't revolve around me. It's not like I have a business with thousands of employees to feed, or have a country whose people need me to lead (I've been obviously watching a Chinese drama recently about such things). My daughter has so many people to love her, I don't think she will suffer much without me (my mom actually took offense that my daughter said she will only sleep with her if I'm not around; like, is that not normal for a child to want her own mother? But of course, the world revolves around my mom). My child won't have her father blaming her for causing arguments between her parents or be scolded when I'm not around. It seems that, in the short term, the world will be a better place without me for them. As for work, nobody is indispensable. Life will still go on with someone to replace me. That's work for you. No personal feelings. What then, should I live for?

Don't ask me to go and seek counseling. I'm not on a suicide mission. But, I just feel really tired. Emotionally exhausted. Speaking to a counselor will just say things like you're valid for feeling this way, but I don't want to be told that. I just don't want to feel anymore. Is that so hard?