worthless thoughts...

 Honestly, I don't know where or how to start this post, but I just know that this is the first time in a long time that I have not been able to sleep well; thoughts running through my mind like a freight train, disjointed dreams, being easily awaken by both my daughter and husband next to me. Adrenaline coursing through me at the thought of the injustice I feel I have faced, or have I? Questions arising through my mind on whether I am the one overthinking, or am I being gaslit? Logic telling me that I do not need to spend one second more on this incident yet vague undercurrents of unhappiness just keeps coursing through me and the question of why do I care so much? Why do I care about what a manipulative person keeps thinking? Why do I have to give excuses to her behaviour and tolerate her making me feel uncomfortable all the time? Why do I have to always be the one to apologize? Why do I have to be the one who needs closure and feel insulted when she chose to walk away or drag a third party into this incident? Why do I have to confide in her knowing she cannot keep a bloody secret? Why do I still consider her to be a friend despite feeling that she makes me feel small and worthless through certain actions of hers, and yet she claims that I am thinking too much and I feel that way because secretly I also am not happy? Am I????

Is this all just in my mind? Gosh, I hate this feeling. There are no friends at work, this is as much as I've acknowledged, that everyone is just watching out for themselves, possibly, including me? Or am I just being a doormat? Am I validated to feel this way? 

I feel so lost right now. Have I handled this poorly? Should I stay or leave? What if she leaves? Is it my fault? Why do I have to think this way? I keep telling myself, she isn't worth my tears, time or effort or worth losing sleep over; heck, maybe she isn't even thinking of this anymore and I am the one here, mentally torturing myself over thoughtless words she said knowing full well she probably said them intentionally to maybe hurt me, or maybe in her dumb oversharing way; but why do I need to be friends with a big bully? Why do I keep attracting such people in my life, or is it me being oversensitive? Why do people feel the need to want to compare themselves with me, and why do I have to be a doormat and play along even though I feel uncomfortable? Is life a competition? No, it isn't! Or maybe it is, since everyone is just trying to survive, and in order to do that, you have to throw selflessness out the window; nobody is genuine in this world except for a select few and only I know who those few are, but what to do if day in day out you have to face a big bully? Maybe she is unaware she is acting like a bully but why do I have to tell myself to tolerate such behaviour? Oh, how she have turned the tables on me saying that I am only thinking that way because I feel the same way. And here I am now, pouring my heart out into a journal that cannot comfort me, hoping the universe will send some positive vibes my way...